Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Trash

It doesn't matter if you were born in the 80s, 90s, 00s or even 10s the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles probably played a part in your childhood. Through countless comics, cartoons, live action TV shows and more movies than the Fast and The Furious franchise, you've seen them. You probably have a favorite turtle and the name likely brings fond memories of your favorite version. You may have had a lunchbox or backpack. Maybe even played a game or two. One thing that can not be disputed is that they are legendary. They're also trash, and here's why.

1. They're all named after famous artists but none of them make any art.

2. Twins wearing color coordinated clothes isn't cute, fun or cool after like 10. Let them men develop their own styles.

3. Master Splinter is a rat. I know 21 Savage told y'all about Snitches and Rats why would you think Master Splinter is cool?

4. They're setting unrealistic health standards. They survive on a diet of pizza and soda but they're lean mean fighting machines. George Foreman would be disgusted with these liars.

5. Can I have ANOTHER reboot?

6. Imagine a teenage mutant turtle with a genius level of intellect and he wants to be a ninja. Bebop and Rocksteady stomped him clean out.

7. Mikey would have been leaving school at 12pm on the little bus.

8. During the City Fall arc, Leo was letting Shredder cal him chunin as if Shredder was Hokage. Leo be out here running around like he's Batman but still a chunin.

9. I don't have anything specific to say about Raphael, he isn't my favorite of the four. I just don't care about him. Nobody does. The most memorable thing about him is that he traveled back in time to punch Hitler, but he couldn't finish the job.

10. They used to kill everything on sight, now look at them. Running around in disguises looking like McGruff The Crime Dog.

11. This was going to be a Power Rangers are trash list, but they managed to escape because there's just so many rangers. It's easier to beat up on four turtles, two humans and a rat. I'm not sure why The Foot Clan hasn't handled it yet, or NYC Department of Health.

12. Remember the crossover with The Power Rangers? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

13. I've never seen a good live action turtles costume or CGI. This is why I keep telling people we don't need live action remakes of everything.

14. The turtles were on Oprah and she showed them more respect than she showed Ludacris, and that's ludicrous. But it should also show you what kind of person Oprah is and the Turtles consider her a "friend." But she never got them out the sewer.

15. Why are they still teenagers?

16. Correction, it isn't just four turtles.

17. "Turtles in Time," just google that. You'll understand.

19. Y'all remember when Splinter took over The Foot Clan and everyone but Mikey followed him? Dude was stealing people's belongings and nobody cared until he executed a rival gang leader. All of a sudden "woah, he's gone too far." Splinter is Suge Knight. The Turtles are Dre and Snoop, now they scared of him. He cut Shredder's head off in front of y'all before taking The Foot Clan. What is with y'all?

20. You don't have to be a father to be a dad or even a strong male role model. Still they went ahead and made Splinter and The Turtles a reincarnation of a father and his sons. 

Bonus Round

21. Ninja Rap - Vanilla Ice

22. In the movie, Shredder turned into Super Shredder and killed himself right away. What was the point?

23. Casey Jones has a traumatic backstory, is a survivor of abuse, and  human that rises up to take on mutants and aliens. Still, he's boring.

24. What's the deal with April? She has the same level of journalistic integrity that I do, but I'm not a journalist.

25. Has anyone seen Leonardo or Raphael stab anyone?

26. A staff, he chose a staff to fight with. That's why they put him a coma. Same old Donatello pack in the air this gas or what?

27. Ninja Rap - Wiz Khalifa, Juicy J, Ty Dolla $ign

28. They aren't turtles. These aren't tortoises either. They're terrapins. Teenage Mutant Ninja Terrapins.

29. I lied, it isn't 4 turtles and a rat. There's six turtles. Venus from the crappy live action show, who was in the Power Rangers crossover. There's also Jennika, who our favorite adult radioactive ninja terrapins turned into a turtle through a blood transfusion. They are not doctors.

30. Let me get another reboot for old time's sake. This time make it a spicy reboot so people can cry about their childhoods being dead.

You can check out some of my short stories at 12 AM Fiction or if you like vampires follow my web serial Exsanguinate and of course hear me on the Powerbomb Jutsu podcast if you enjoy pro wrestling.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Trash Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Trash Reviewed by Darrell S. on Friday, July 09, 2021 Rating: 5

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