Hello, my name is Darrell. I've been an addict as long as I can remember. I always tell myself it was no big deal. I've come to the conclusion that was just a lie I tell myself. You see, I'm addicted to bad comics. I know they're bad, but I can't help but finish them and I find some kind of sick joy in them when other feel physical pain looking at the bad art and suffer aneurysms reading the convoluted stories. I had been clean for a while, I hadn't read any really bad comics since the New 52 run of Mr. Terrific, but that was okay because it lead me to Earth 2. I relapsed, this time I read Justice League 3000.
When I picked up Justice League 3000 I thought it would be like the Batman Beyond and Static Shock crossover episodes where decedents of the original Justice League had taken over to fight crime. Maybe it would even be like the Justice League Unlimited episode where they takeover to prevent crime and eventually step down because they realize they're no longer heroes. Nope, I was wrong. They're just clones but not clones of themselves stuck in the future fighting The Five, a group of deity like aliens who had conquered most of our galaxy.
The story could be worse, but don't get me wrong there's a lot of lame stuff in it. The Wonder Twins are now super scientist and in charge of the cloning but not really cloning program. Don't ask me how, they're not even the real Wonder Twins, just two genius teenagers with no emotional stability named Terri and Terry. The Five also don't make much sense because well, they hate each other and don't even share a common goal. I don't know why they're together. One wants to reshape the universe at her will, one wants to control it, one wants to destroy it and so on. They aren't even the same species.
The art is also pretty bad and characters like Superman are known to change hairstyles in the middle of a story. It makes sense because Bruce and Clark "don't call me Clark" Kent looked exactly alike for a few issues. Then they randomly gave Superman a mohawk and weak jawline between two issues with no explanation at all. When did he have the time to get a haircut while infiltrating a prison planet? Doesn't really matter. I admit that Wonder Woman's clothing choices for battle often confuse me, and I never got the over sexualization of her character, but she looks more like Hulk wearing Wonder Woman's gear during a lot of this. Also, she has a stronger chin than Superman, in fact, she looks down right manly at some points. That's not a joke, due to the way the comics is illustrated it looks like she has facial hair at certain points.
This whole comic is horrible. There's a 19 year old alien goddess (She says 19 but has been alive centuries) who can bend reality at her will, who decides she's just going to kidnap Hal Jordan and possibly (it's unconfirmed) molest Hal Jordan until he makes love to her "passionately like a real man."
The actual clones, but not clones, are hilarious to me anyway. They lack most of their memories, except Batman who may or may not being lying and most of them are egotistical in one way or another. Superman only remembers being Superman and hates being called Clark. He's egotistical and often forgets he doesn't have all of the real Superman's powers. At one point the team is being transported by Hal and Superman jumps out of the Green Lantern bubble, almost suffocates in space and plummets to the planet surface because he can't fly or breathe in space, but he already knew this. He has an ongoing feud with Batman who isn't evened out by being Bruce Wayne. The no killing rule is not in effect and he wants to kill Superman but can't get to the kryptonite at Cadmus. He also remembers how the Justice League died and freaks out Cadmus because he knows too much.
Then there's Wonder Woman who talks non stop about war and battles. They gave her mostly Amozonian DNA because they couldn't get a good sample of her DNA. So there are moments when she just growls and punches stuff for no reason. Barry Allen is pretty emo and they got his hair color wrong, and he throws up in teleporters. Barry also will melt himself if he runs too fast because they got his super speed wrong. Then there's Hal who tries to be the bright spot on the team, pun intended who gets his powers from a cloak not a ring. Also there's Firestorm who is just fucking crazy.
Justice League 3000 is horrible. The plot sucks, the art is weird and inconsistent. The only reason to read it is because you want to see how they'll fuck up next. I mean,it's not like you'll get great character development or incredible art. This shit is bad and the only reason to read it is if you enjoy train wrecks. I just happen to enjoy both train wrecks and else-worlds stories. Now, will someone please help me stop reading these bad comics?
You can hear Darrell on the CP Time and Powerbomb Jutsu podcasts. He also plays classic arcade games on The Cabinet
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