1. There was Christmas music playing before Thanksgiving - How we just gonna skip a holiday. Nobody cares about Frosty or Rudolph. Get off my back every retail store in America
2. I don't want to hear the same Christmas songs over and over again - It's always the same damn Christmas song. I get it you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and Santa Claus is a black man. I've heard the song 234 times every year since I was born.
3. People go crazy for Black Friday deals that aren't even actual deals - Shirts are regularly buy one get one 50% off. Do you really need to snatch a vegetable peeler from a 6 year old? Is this the purge?
4. Family members will be upset you didn't buy them gifts - No, I didn't buy gifts for your 7 kids. Who the hell told you to have 7 kids? It's 2015 not 1950. Odds are they'll all survive past 10 no need to raise the odds in your favor with a litter of children. In the case that I haven't seen you in 4 years don't show up expecting a gift. We'll get it out of the way now.
5. Don't buy me random things. - I'd rather have nothing than a 6 in 1 cell phone case. You just saw it in the mall and forgot about me. I really don't even like people buying me things but if you're going to do it please don't give me a gift card to a store that has one location 123 miles away. Buy me nothing. You don't even have to give me cash. If you want to get me a great gift I will be forever grateful but I'll be happier getting nothing than a lime green shirt with emojis on it because I don't want to hear you saying "why don't you wear that shirt I got you?" Yes, I'm projecting but this is my list.
6. People will be upset if they don't get the best gift - How you mad you didn't get a better gift than the kids mom?
7. People asking stupid questions - "Are you gay nephew? You don't ever bring no girls around. Need to wife one of them young college hoes and have some kids" Sorry, I'm 23. I don't care about having kids or getting married anytime soon. You don't ever bring any breath mints around but I don't ask if you're allergic to dental hygiene
8. The War on Christmas - You mean the holiday majority of the people around the world celebrate even if they aren't Christian? Yeah, shut-up already. We get it, you love Fox News but they're pushing you bullshit.
9. Happy Holidays - Why do people complain about this? Christmas is not the only holiday. There's Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah and New Years and even Boxing Day. Nobody cares that you weren't wished a "Merry Christmas."
10. Salvation Army - I will put up with everything else on this list if we ban Salvation Army bell ringers. I swear they just ring the bells to annoy you. You walk in the store and they're ringing the bells and staring daggers in your eyes. You're wondering if you're going to have to fight a grandmother on the way out of the store because she's looking at you like she's ready to go to war, not accept donations. Then you come out and granny just rings the bell even harder. Have I mentioned these bells are loud. They're fucking loud. You try to walk past her and she looks you in the eyes like "I know you got some change. You not even gonna give up that 47 cents?" So, you put your head down and keep walking. But granny follows you to the car ringing the bell telling you why you aren't shit. Now you in the car and she banging the bell on the window. Even when you do give them money they don't stop ringing the bell. This isn't soliciting donations it's extortion.
You can hear Darrell on the CP Time and Powerbomb Jutsu podcasts. He also plays classic arcade games on The Cabinet
Follow @OriginalKingD
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