Stop Lying on Your Kids

When I was 6 I was gonna be the Blue Power Ranger, blue was my favorite color, TJ was cool as fuck and he was the blue power ranger. He led the team even when Blue Rangers were usually second in command. I also wanted to be a Walker Texas Ranger. No, not a Texas Ranger, a Walker Texas Ranger, like the show. I thought they were all named walker. I have a cousin, he wants to be Kevin Durant when he grows up. I have another that wanted to be Doc McStuffins when she grew up, now she's going to be a vampire lawyer. I was a dumb kid, and I guess I knew dumb kids.

Now the internet has got some smart kids. I saw one women tweeting about how her four year old daughter broke down The Avengers: Endgame. The disenfranchisement of black characters was too much for her kid to handle. I saw another man tweeting about how his five year old had an in depth opinion of the impeachment process. These kids are fucking smart, there's no other way to put it. I know adults who don't understand the impeachment process but that five year has it no problem at all.

I need to know where these kids are going to school. They have me beat by a kilometer when I was their age. I need to reinvest my time in Pre-K and elementary school if I'm going to catch up to these kids. No wonder they canceled Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader. Nobody was smarter than a 3rd grader, let alone a 5th grader. These kids are smart I tell you what.

Either that, or you're all a bunch of liars. You wouldn't lie on your baby right? Your kid really does understand gerrymandering at a metaphorical level. My guess is you're all lying on your kids to get those precious internet points. Your four year old doesn't have the dexterity, finger strength, or reading ability to build a six foot Death Star Replica so why are you lying? A few of you are making obvious jokes, but a lot of you are just lying. Especially you blue check bandits.

I really can't believe you would do this. Just, get on the internet and lie like that. How dare you? Just stop that crap. Also while I have your attention, stop dressing your kids like the men and women that left you. You need to take a test before becoming a parent.

You can download a free copy of my book Phantasmagorical. Also check out some of my work for or hear me on the Powerbomb Jutsu podcast.
Stop Lying on Your Kids Stop Lying on Your Kids Reviewed by Darrell S. on Monday, May 13, 2019 Rating: 5

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