Austin Aries is Trash


I usually reserve this kind of post for fictional characters. Usually they're mostly jokes about fictional histories. Unfortunately Austin Aries is trash. He's got the honor of being the first real person. It could be because he's an obnoxious vegan, he's completely unprofessional for a professional wrestler, or that he refuses to wear a mask during the current COVID pandemic, could be because he spent years telling anyone who would listen that he's not a pervert despite proof. Could be because he was trying to lecture me on Twitter. Could be all of the above. Honestly he's just trash.

1. He's a vegan. There isn't actually a problem with that. Daniel Bryan is a vegan, and everyone loves him. Daniel Bryan isn't a dick about it. Aries is a dick, a short dick, but a dick. Dude just rants and rants and rants. You know the type.

2. His favorite fruit is bananas. C'mon, bananas aren't even that good. They have a terrible mouth feel, no mater how you peel them you still get the stupid stringy bits. If you buy them Monday they better be gone by Wednesday or they've gone completely brown. Who loves bananas that much.

3. Slammiversary, if you know, you know.

4. Also no sold the finish to a match against Moose, sensing a trend here.

5. He's so short

6. Super talented wrestler, nobody wants to work with him anymore because he's such a terrible person.

7. Putting his crotch in Christy Hemme's face because he was the bad guy. But said it wasn't sexual harassment because he was in character. That didn't work for Pepe Le Pew either. Also said it was disgusting to have it linked to his name. But you did it, on live TV.

8. Have you seen the messages he sends Zelina Vega on Twitter? She doesn't want you. Leave her the fuck alone already. Same goes for Taya Valkyrie. What is this dude's problem?

9. He searches his name on Twitter and sends angry messages to people who don't like him or his work. Short fuse with this guy.

10. Despite his Twitter antics, he doesn't want any smoke with Ethan Page who offered to open hand slap the shit of Austin directly to him. No response there. I wonder what the response would have been if Ethan was a woman.

11. He's not as popular as he thinks he is. Sure, there was a time when he set the world on fire, or at least lit a match. But he's 41 now, and the fans hate him, management in many companies hate him, other wrestlers hate him. Just retire and live out your life on a banana farm.

12. Every five years we have to sit through Austin Aries making a statement about not being a sexual predator. Either he has some terrible luck, and all these people are trying to frame him, or he's a sexual predator. I'm guessing he's a sexual predator.

13. Dude has been fired, or quit, as he claims, from every major pro wrestling company in the United States, and technically Canada too since TNA is American, but Impact is Canadian. Oh wait, he hasn't been to AEW but I get the feeling he won't be invited any time soon.

14. Loves to rant about snow flakes and thin skinned people, definitely the thinnest of skin.

15. I usually do 20 or 25 entries on a list like this. But I wanted to keep it short.

You can check out some of my fiction at 12 AM Fiction or follow my web serial Exsanguinate and of course hear me on the Powerbomb Jutsu podcast.
Austin Aries is Trash Austin Aries is Trash Reviewed by Darrell S. on Friday, July 03, 2020 Rating: 5

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