Halloween (and hell) has come early to the temple this week!
By: E. Young
BrightNightmares.weebly.com
This week’s episode managed to cram two main event worthy matches one episode, and it gets right to the action with a touching vignette with ring announcer Melissa Santos and El Dragon Azteca Jr. Dragon Azteca struck up a friendship with Melissa some time last season that veers dangerously close to friendzoning. But the interaction here is just Dragon Azteca checking in on Melissa and being a good dude. Speaking of friendzoning, last season LU had a serious love dodecahedron going on and I hope they never put me through that ever again.
After that, it’s show time and we start off with the spoopiest match ever: Catrina and Mil’s requested HAUNTED HOUSE MATCH (complete with Tales From the Crypt drippy font). Seriously, the ring is decorated like the backdrop of a David S. Pumpkins skit or a spoopy meme. Fake skeletons, cobwebs, pumpkins, a cage around the ring. But like No-End House, appearances are deceiving! This match starts off on the wrong foot with Melissa defiantly refusing to Mil and Catrina when they enter the ring. Catrina takes offense to this and proceeds to bash Melissa’s head against the cage. I really wouldn’t mind seeing Melissa and Catrina have an official match this season, feels Ultima Lucha worthy.
The concept of this match reminded me of a better version of Raven’s Clockwork Orange House of Fun from the early days of TNA. Or rather, what Raven probably wished that match was: all weapons allowed and wins only by pinfall or submission! But if Catrina just wanted a match with Mil and Mack, why go through the elaborate set up? I don’t know. All I know is Mil thrives on violence and death, and at some point during an already brutal match Mil whipped out a knife that looked like a damn scimitar and hacked Mack all up. Mack hits Mil with a bunch of stunners in a row but the blood loss takes its toll and Mil pins Mack for the win. And probably Mack’s death. Catrina refuses to do the Lick of Death on Mack in a reversal of her scene earlier with Melissa, but considering that Catrina still seems to do SOME of Mil’s bidding… what could it all mean?
Alas, the carnage does not stop there! There’s still a Last Man or Machine Standing match to get to. But before that, we have Aerostar vs Jake Strong! This match kind of came out of nowhere or at least I can’t remember anything to connect it to other than Aerostar is a babyface and Jake is evil and psycho. Fresh from surgery Famous B announces the remaining matches for the night from his wheelchair as Melissa’s encounter with Catrina sent her to the hospital.
Jake has gotten a haircut and, not to be shallow, but it did wonders for his overall appearance. It wouldn’t work for him to look as polished as he did wrestling as Jack Swagger, but the unkempt hick appearance just wasn’t doing it either. That said, getting cleaned up doesn’t mean that he isn’t putting on nasty matches. Aerostar gets great offense, but the man from the stars quickly gets caught up in Jake’s ankle lock and would probably be footless if Drago hadn’t run in for the save. Aerostar tapped so Jake wins, but it appears he isn’t quite done with the Lucha Friends yet. Also, I’d like to take this time to point out that Drago’s costumes are constantly on point and every time he disappears and comes back he looks dope as hell.
Well, it appears no one attended Johnny and Taya’s wedding celebration except for Worldwide Underground. As they exchange gifts, Taya secures her spot as World’s Best Fiancèe and tells Johnny that she got him a match for the LU championship belt a week after their wedding. Johnny was one of LU’s first champs as a face and it’s past time for him to get another shot. Outside, poor Ricky and his creepy doll Rosa guard the door when a man looking for Johnny shows up. He insults Ricky and Ricky gouges his eye out with an ink pen for his trouble. Wait: Ricky gouged his eye out with an ink pen. Whatever the hell is going on with this man deserves its own chapter of Insidious.
As if this episode couldn’t get any bloodier, it’s main event time! The network is so generous. Tonight’s Last Man or Machine Standing match is for the Lucha Underground championship that Cage and Pentagon have been playing tag with. It’s a little confusing and murky, but technically going in Cage is the current champ. To be honest, who is or isn’t champ in the context of this match didn’t matter a lot. This match was ultraviolent and showed why neither Cage nor Pentagon are to be messed with. Cage is an implacable machine and Pentagon is literally evil that will not die. Somewhat ironically, I can’t really recommend the Haunted House match because of its brutality, but I must recommend this match because of its brutality. It’s not the best physical match either of them has ever had (and in fact, repeats a few popular spots such as the piledriver through the chairs) but in terms of storytelling and blood to prove a point, it’s up there. And there’s more chairs and tables thrown than a Dudley family reunion.
Our blood-drenched journey into night ends with Pentagon breaking BOTH of Cage’s arms. So Cage is human after all. Pentagon walks off with his belt once again. The Royal Lucha Wedding is next week. Will there be security? How many more people have to die before Ultima Lucha? Who cleans up the temple after hours? Answers to some of these ponderings next week!
