Sometimes I ask for recommendations on bad movies to watch because I like to torture myself. It was suggested that I watch the movie Blackbird. I said wait, I can't in all fairness make fun of a movie about a black man in the south raised in the church coming out of the closet. Then I watched the previews and said, oh that's not the whole plot, I can make fun of this. Then I watched the movie, and that is the whole plot, but it was so bad I'm about to have GLAAD calling for a boycott.
The movie stars Randy who believes that if he masturbates, he's going to hell, if he smokes weed, he's going to hell, if he he's gay he's going to hell and so on. His friends, who are also religious, refer to these and more as "Randy sins" because Randy thinks everything is going to send him to hell. I never knew they could lump so many things into one character. I had to laugh at all the things he had going on. Randy is gay but hasn't come out, he sings in the church choir, he ends up in an interracial relationship, his sister is missing, his mother has been in a state of shock for 10 years and mentally ill, he has an estranged father, he sees his best friend sexually assaulted, he's in denial that he's actually gay, he has wet dreams every night because he refuses to masturbate and the list goes on. Randy has so many damn problems that every time one was introduced I started laughing. Like Damn, we get it, he's the main character and you want him to be an underdog but damn, how much more can you add? Oh, he also sees visions of the future and sometimes has dreams that predict the future. You've heard of That's So Raven? Well this is That's So Randy, sometimes.
So, Randy won't come out of the closet and he gets mad at Efrem and Justine, better known as Freak when they bring it up. He ask how she knows she's not gay and she states it's because she thinks of men when she masturbates. He gets upset and ask Efrem is he gay, hoping to turn the tables to which Efrem responds "I sure hope I am, otherwise I don't know what to do with all these Lady GaGa CDs." Randy gets mad and leaves them only to be stopped by his father who wants to know how his mother is doing. His father, Lance left when Randy's mother started blaming him for their daughter going missing but has tried to remain a constant in their lives. Randy storms off again. Also, when walking out of school the building just says "Christian High School" on the top, thats it. No other name.
Randy goes home and eats a piece of pie before a knock on the door disturbs him. The manager from the local grocery store has come to their home for a surprise visit. Randy has to go down to the store and pick up his mother, who is taping pictures of his missing sister to milk cartons and and handing out flyers to people. He takes her home and she's excited because the piece of pie is gone and she believes the daughter has returned home. Randy explains he at the pie and is sent to his room for being selfish and greedy. Look, Monique and Issaih Washington are Randy's parents in this movie and they were acting their asses off. Randy kept looking directly into the damn camera so I know he ain't their biological son. I don't know how they even ended up in this film to be honest. You thought she was acting in Precious? Nah, that was the warm up.
Anyway she leaves the whole pie at Randy's door and knocks then runs away because she knew she was wrong. Todd, the guy Randy is having wet dreams about comes through Randy's window and asks can he use Randy's bed to have sex with Crystal. Randy doesn't say no so Todd hugs him and gives him a kiss on the cheek because everyone knows Randy likes Todd. Even Crystal who thinks it's cute and gets off on them kissing in their rendition of Romeo and Juliet.
Randy signs up for a theater production at a local community college. There he meets Marshall and together they play out a scene where Marshall attempts to rape Randy. Marshall hits on Randy who says he's not gay and Marshall just says to let him know when he is. This plot point bothers me. They sign up to do this film where Marshall and Randy go from lovers to Marshall trying to rape Randy, but the film never gets made instead it's just a bunch of camera phone video Marshall took of Randy. So why even have this audition if we're never going to go back to it? We don't even see them go to rehearsal again.
When Randy gets home his mother is praying with their creepy ass preacher, also the preacher is Crystal's dad. Did I mention Randy having visions? He had a vision of Crystal dying so he's extra weirded out by this preacher. So they get mad at Randy for staying out late because she thought he was also kidnapped. Fast forward after church Todd and Crystal get it on in Randy's bed. Fast forward. She's pregnant and her dad is taking her to another state to get an abortion even though she wants to keep the baby and Todd proposed.
Marshall shows Randy around the gay scene. They see Efrem at the secret gay hook up spot where he gets beat up and tossed to the ground with his pants down yelling "no means no" before he's left alone to hook up with another guy. This brings me to my next point. Randy is a piece of shit, he's not a good person at all. He saw his friend fight off a rape and chilled out in the bushes with Marshall just watching. He didn't try to help Efrem, he didn't go over and console him. Just figured he could handle it. He never even brings it up with Efrem. He's a complete asshole to Efrem and everyone knows it. Maybe I'm crazy but he doesn't even know Marshall well enough to watch his childhood friend fend off rapists without interfering. Randy, is a piece of shit.
Randy sleeps with Justine later that week to prove to himself he isn't gay. He cries after and Efrem has to come through the window and lay in bed with them. Randy turns his back to Justine and holds Efrem and cries. But he's still not gay. I'd like you to remember this spot where Efrem is once again looking out for Randy despite fighting off a rapist a few days prior. He attempts to avoid Justine the rest of the movie, because he's gay and asked her to have sex with him to prove he isn't gay. Randy is a piece of shit.
Later the three go with Todd to Crystals house and her dad treats them like shit. Justine heads home and Todd runs off crying. They're on the front yard and for the 30th time Randy asks Efrem is he okay. Efrem says no. This is the only time Randy will follow up with "what's wrong," or "is there anything I can do," because Randy is a horrible person. Efrem says "can you look at my penis," turns out he got an STD.
Randy does one decent thing for Efrem and gets his dad Lance to drive them to a clinic where he gets treated and tested for HIV. While Efrem is getting taken care of Randy's dad has a talk with him. He wants to know why Randy hasn't come out the closet yet and why he's not fucking Efrem because if he was fucking Efrem then Efrem wouldn't be getting STDs. His dad legitimately feels they would not only be safer together, but happier as well. Randy just swears he's not gay. Then his dad tells a story about how he "kissed a guy once, tongue and everything. It was an Asian boy back when I was a teenager. Firmer than I was used too, but softer than I expected. I'd probably do it again if I didn't have your mom in my life. But she's not around any more so who knows, might try again" Randy just says he's not gay and his dad laughs like "yeah, okay."
Efrem comes out and Lance is a better friend than Randy. Lance promises to talk to Efrem's dad about thinking Efrem is gay to annoy him and gives them the safe sex talk. Efrem cries in the car because he just fought off a rape attempt, the guy he loves doesn't love him, he got his first STD and his dad is homophobic. Seeking comfort Efrem goes for a hug. Randy reluctantly hugs back and looks disgusted, I mean he is sick to his stomach. As if he didn't cry in Efrem's arms after having sex with someone else because he realized he was gay. Randy is a piece of shit.
Randy hangs out with Marshall who shows him that he's from a trailer park. We also get the quote "I'm going to hell, I've got the hots for an underage choir boy who isn't gay," because Marshall is 21 and trying to bang a high school kid. The get caught about to create a statutory rape when Randy's mom comes outside with a baseball bat and breaks out Marshall's window and drags Randy in the house.
Now, I know this isn't funny because it happens to a lot of gay people who come out. But, Mo'Nique is so damn funny it made the scene hilarious. She's yelling at him and calling him weak as well as blaming his sister's disappearance on him shaming God by being gay. It's serious as fuck. But I couldn't help but laugh because she was saying stuff like "Don't look at me like that, you looking through me thinking about seeing that white boy again." She sends him to his room where he falls asleep as she prays by his bedside. He wakes up and Marshall has sent him dozens of text asking is he okay.
They take Randy to church where the pastor and his mother throw holly water on him and pray in tongues. Again, I shouldn't laugh because it's fucked up, but it's so over the top ridiculous that I can't help laugh. He's sitting there on his knees and they're just splashing big ass handfuls of water on him. Then he gets up because he had a vision of Crystal dying. For some reason, everyone believes him. They all run to the pastor's house and his wife is carrying Crystal down the stairs bleeding from her stomach like she's been shot. You know, because abortions are C-Sections.
Then we go to the hospital and the pastor comes out of Crystal's room. He apologizes to Randy saying he overreacted. That's it? Randy and Marshall go see the film before hitting up a gay bar. Then they go have sex at Marshall's trailer while his parents are 10 feet away. They are not only condoning a statutory rape, they are essentially aiding in it. They get to Randy's and police are there to tell the family his sister is coming home. Randy introduces Marshall as his boyfriend. His dad shakes Marshall's hand and welcomes him only after getting over the fact that he's not only white, but not Efrem He really was pushing that "Give Efrem a chance" hard. You know what, I'm Team Efrem too. Randy's mom is like "I don't care, my favorite child is coming home." Then she comes home after spending 10 years with a family who couldn't have kids a state over. Group hug.
We go back to real life and Randy eats breakfast with his mom, sister and Efrem. Marshall and Justine are outside waiting blowing the horn. Randy's mom yells "tell that white boy quit blowing that damn horn, this ain't the projects." Randy's dad is outside doing yard work and tells them all goodbye and then they ride off into the sunset.
I think the reason I'm able to laugh at this movie is because Randy is literally a piece of shit to everyone except Marshall and Todd. His dad doesn't live at home anymore so he treats him like crap, even when his dad is just trying to give him money to cover the bills and remind Randy about his mom's doctor's appointment, he still took the money. Justine has sex with Randy to help him prove to himself he isn't gay, then afterwards he never speaks with her again besides telling her call Efrem to comfort him. He literally chilled while Efrem fought off a rape and then when Efrem had a breakdown about not feeling loved Randy's dad had to make him hug Efrem. Randy's mom is mentally ill and instead of even trying to help her, he just treats her like a chore. Before he had visions of Crystal dying he even wrote a song about her called "you suck." He's an asshole. Randy is not a sympathetic character at all. I care more about Todd trying to marry Crystal and Efrem out here trying to find any form of love. We don't even know how Crystal died. Was it the abortion? Was it suicide? Did her mother kill her? We don't know anything about Justine at all by the end. There's so many better characters in this and we're focusing on Randy's lame ass.
I feel like Randy's dad because I hope he gave Efrem a chance after that dream since he knows Marshall is going to leave him.I say that because Efrem is the only one that likes his ass. Todd knows Randy wants the D so he uses him. Randy treats Justine bad and she's like "cool, I never liked you anyway" and skips right out of his life. Crystal just wanted to see him kiss her boyfriend. Nobody else liked him. The movie was bad. The script was horrible, the ending literally caused me to scratch my head, rewind and burst into laughter because that was the real ending. There's a shit ton of plot holes still and there's a ton of moments when they thought they were clever but weren't. This is so bad it's funny no matter how serious of an issue the story covers.
You can check out some of my fiction at 12 AM Fiction or follow my web serial Exsanguinate and of course hear me on the Powerbomb Jutsu podcast.
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