Watching Bad Movies #2: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

They could have called this movie anything else. Fred Jones Vampire Slayer. Just not Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe doesn't deserve this. His living relatives should sue someone for this. Does he have any living relatives. This movie probably killed them if he did. Did you know Abraham Lincoln's best friend as a child was a slave? He saved this slave from being whipped and then Abe was whipped. Then his father knocked out a slaver and threw him off a dock. This led to them being fired. They owed the dock owner money and couldn't pay.

The dock owner comes to their home in the middle of the night. He's clearly a vampire and he drains Abe's mother of blood. Wait, if he's a vampire how was he out in the sunlight? Fast forward and both Abe's parents are dead. He's also gone from age 8 to age 20 despite the fact that he clearly said 19 years later. He should be 27. Is it me or does this look like a young 20 something despite the fact he should be almost 30 by now. He hasn't even grown any facial hair. He must have that Benjamin Buttons disease.

Abe is in the bar getting wasted to kill the dock owner. He sneaks up on a vampire and shoots. He didn't load the gun correctly and the vampire laughed. So now Abe is hiding trying to reload the gun. He drops the bullet on the floor and the camera cuts to the Vampire. Somehow Abe has loaded the gun and shot the vampire through the eye despite never having fired a gun before and only having a few seconds to load it. That killed the vampire. What? I thought it was holy items, steaks and sunlight.

Nope vampire isn't dead, he gets up and beats the political aspirations out of Honest Abe. Abe blacks out and wakes up in a strange mans house days later, that's not cliche at all. He wanders down stairs and walks in on his savior Henry Sturges sleeping with a woman in a bathtub. Yes a bathtub, a really really small bathtub. I'm not sure how they got in there. Surfbort. Also she sounds more like she's being hurt than pleasured. I'm not the only one who thinks so, that's why Abe grabbed a candle stick because after the beat down he just received anything would be better than a gun.

Sturges calmly explains that there are vampires in America that are all the spawn of Adam. He's a slave master in New Orleans, not Bible Adam, slave master Adam. Sturges clearly knows to much. I'm willing to bet he's a vampire too. That's just how these things work out. Keep in mind I'm writing this as I watch the film. Sturges is also talking to himself in 3rd person while talking about Abe. This is so confusing. He's also taken a hit from a pipe, a hookah and had a drink of wine. Sturges also has sunglasses similar to Morpheus from The Matrix.

Sturges calmly says "You wanna be a vampire hunter" and Abe says "Yes." They go to the basement and Abe looks at some guns. Abe realizes he's a horrible shooter and decides to fight vampires with an axe. He trains by trying to cut a tree down in one swing. Nope. Not going to happen. Oh look he smashed the tree. He didn't cut it he smashed it with the axe. I see slow motion is a big part of this film. This is already the 4th time it's happened.

Apparently Vampires in this universe are only weak to silver. This should have been called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire/Warewolf Mixed Breed Hunter: A Historically Inaccurate Biopic. So now Abe has to sit in the dark to train. Then Sturges sucker punches him and beats him into a bloody pulp. A montage of Abe Lincoln axe tricks. It's in slow motion too. A montage is not a montage if it's in slow motion. Oh look another large timeskip where Abe doesn't age. Abe gets his axe covered in silver.

Apparently vampires only attack Native Americans and black people... so the vampires are racist. 12 year time skip. Abe hasn't aged. Abe becomes friends with a creepy hotel owner who gives him on a room on credit. He's writing a letter to Henry about how women don't like him. He meets Mary Todd, his wife while working at a store. Lincoln is against slavery. He gets a letter telling him to kill a pharmacist vampire.

So Vampires spit dust from their mouths now. Abe gets dominated and is left to hang upside down in the food cellar with a bunch of dead slaves. Really serious about this vampires only eat brown people thing. Apparently Abe had knife in his mouth and was able to cut the vampire with it. He gets to his silver plated axe and kills the vampire. I bet you guessed most of this sequence was in slow motion.

Mary Todd invites Abe to a ball. He's there being awkward. She makes him get off her couch before he leaves an indent. She's making the first move and second. She basically says "You're mine now Abe, deal with it" Why did the dancing turn to slow motion. Abe kills more vampires. All in slow motion poorly choreographed fights. Abe is so delusional he tells Mary he hunts vampires and this crazy woman believes him. She should have called the police.

Apparently Adam knows about Abe. A random black man comes in and quizzes him on his slave laws. It's Will, his childhood friend, he's been working on the Underground Railroad. Abe writes him some fake freedom papers. Some bounty hunters come after Will and Abe uses those vampire hunter skills to defend him. They get locked up and Mary Todd bails them out. Will says Abe is too ugly to have her. Well he doesn't age so that's something right?

Abe has stopped hunting vampires and now he's running for election. Sturges is going to kick his ass. Oh look Sturges just magically showed up behind that carriage. In slow motion. He tells Abe what I've been saying the whole time "You're a screw up boy." Abe tries to kill his mothers killer again. They have a horrible CGI horse chase in the sunset. Seriously, how are all these vampires out in the sunlight? Why does a vampire with super speed need to ride a horse? Guess what? The axe is also a gun. Licoln gets his revenge in a fight scene that was all in slow motion.

Cut to sturges. He's out in a dark alley and comes across a rape. He bites the rapist and drains his blood. Lincoln sees this and attacks. Sturges tells him "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH." Flashback. Sturges has been a womanizer his entire life. A group of vampires in slow motion on horseback approach him. He tells is lady to run away in the carriage. He kills a few vampires then Adam beats him down. His lady friend helps and they kill her in front of him and for some reason turn him into a vampire. Why wouldn't they just kill both of them? This movie is filled with plot holes and historical inaccuracies.

So if your soul is pure when a vampire bites you, you die otherwise you become a vampire. Abe breaks up with Sturges and proposes to Mary Todd. Where did he get the money for that ring? He only has a place to live because the creepy hotel clerk took pity on him. Will is at the wedding with his forged freedom papers. Sturges shows up without an invitation telling Abraham "You gonna kill some vampires or you might lose your wife" Will clearly dislikes Sturges for some reason.

Adam was able to pull a bullet out of a corpse and determine who Abe was, where he was and that he was getting married. The vampires kidnap Will and leave a beautifully written note with very detailed floral borders. This was supposed to be spontaneous but that letter looks like it took some time. Also they were supposed to kidnap Abe's love. Those were Adam's words "Bring his love to me." Are they saying Abe has a thing for chocolate men like Will and Mary is just a cover. Abraham Lincoln gay. The American Dad episode about Log House Republicans was right.

The hotel owner/shop clerk/the guy who does nothing but get Abe's mail decides to come along. His name is Speed. I figure he's finally important enough to mention by name. After an hour of this movie he's finally doing something relevant to the story. Abe tells Speed about the vampires, and he also believes it. What the hell is wrong with these people? Get away from Abe, he's crazy.

They get to Adam's plantation and they're having a ball.All the vampires are dancing with slaves. For some reason when Abe kicks in the door all the slaves disappear. We just saw at least 20 die. Also how is Abe's friend Will able to easily hold off vampires with no training? Also everything has gotten dark for no reason and it's in slow motion. Why so much slow motion? Is it because they're trying to hide the horrible fighting?

Adam tells Lincoln to lighten up about slavery because he's seen slavery since he was a boy in Egypt. If he was born in Egypt wouldn't he be darker? I'm not saying he needs to be black but Egypt is in Africa and they are of a much darker complexion. Abe gets trapped. They attempt to kill Will. Speed then busts through the window sideways in a horse drawn carriage and they all escape.

They're forced to paddle across the river on a raft. Of course Will paddles because he's a runaway slave and slavery is okay because it's been going on forever. Seriously it's not okay to enslave anyone. They go to an underground railroad hide out Will knows about. An old black woman tells them that a war is coming. Abe goes back to the North and runs for office on an antislavery platform.

Sturges shows up and tells Abe to stop fighting slavery. Will tells Sturges he's tripping and Mary stops a fight that's going to happen. Fast forward and Abe has finally aged and grown a beard. Wait, we're fast forwarding his entire political career? He's 50 years old in the middle of the war. Abe says his son is barely older than he was when his mother died. But Abe, when your mother died you were walking, talking, had social skills and your son is just walking. These timeskips have you all mixed up. They've got me mixed up too.

A vampire walks in during the middle of the day and attacks Abe's son. Seriously why are these vampires able to walk around in the day. She killed Abe's son with a kiss. He died. Abe still doesn't pick up his axe to retaliate. Just gonna let these vampires kill your son. Maybe the vampires were right earlier. Abe and Will may be lovers. Will clearly sat between Abe's legs to have a man to man with him. Sturges then walks in the White House and tells Abe and Mary that he could bring their son back as a vampire. With security so poor that all these people can just walk in it's no surprise that Abe was assassinated so easily. 

So vampires are fighting for the confederate army on the front lines, in the middle of the day. They are leaving no union survivors. The best slow motion use happened in this scene. The vampires on the front line run through a hail of gunfire. They drop their guns and vanish. The union soldiers are confused. The vampires appear behind them and when the union soldiers turn around they all drop dead. That was the only usage of slow motion done well.

Speed has now turned on Abe and went to help the vampires in the South. Why has everyone grown beards except Will and Mary? Abe has decided to melt all the silver in the capital and head down south. He's going vampire hunting. But before he leaves he tells Mary he's sorry. She's known the entire time but she only let him know recently.

Adam promises the war will end tonight and Lincoln tries to do some axe tricks. He fails and the axe falls in slow motion. Adam has only agreed to help the confederate army so he can kill them off and make a nation of vampires. Abe, Will and the traitorous Speed ride on a train full of silver. Speed tries to make some light conversation and Abe walks away. Is this some kind of Jesus and Judas analogy on a train full of silver.

Henry shows up on the train and tells Abe that Speed is a "Punk ass snitch" and Abe doesn't believe him. Meanwhile Will is loading up duel revolvers with silver bullets. He fires more than 12 shots without reloading and takes out a bunch of vamps. Abe runs through the train car slicing vamps in slow mo while Will runs on top shooting vamps, he still hasn't reloaded his guns.

They meet at the back of the train and Will takes the axe to save Abe. They fight back to back taking turns fighting with the axe while violins play. Yep the vampires were right earlier. They assumed Will and Abe were a gay couple. Adam shows up on the train and tries to bite Abe. But he bites Henry instead who has changed his mind about slavery.

The train isn't really full of silver, it's full of rocks. Adam beats the crap out of Henry because Henry can't even try to fight back? Turns out Speed wasn't a traitor. he lied to the vampires and turned this into a suicide trap. The train car with Abe and Will make it across the tracks of the burning bridge. This mile long bridge was set on fire with one cigarette. Adam approaches Lincoln and Will to say "Mr. President where's the silver" Abe says "Right here" and punches through Adam's gut with a silver chain.

Henry, Will and Abe all hug it out an laugh. The silver was actually on a train with Mary Todd she was escaping. The silver was used to coat all of the North's weapons and they decimated the vampires. Mary shoots Adam's sister in the head with a silver bullet wrapped in her son's silver necklace. The north wins the war. Vampires flee the country. Yes, all of them. Henry offers to make Abe a vampire. Abe says no. He didn't even ask Will, probably still mad about that slavery thing. Abe heads to the theater and gets assassinated. Time skip to Obama stepping out a helicopter at the white house. Henry is at the bar looking for a new vampire hunter. Well that horrible movie is over. Who writes this shit?

You can hear Darrell on the CP Time and Powerbomb Jutsu podcasts. He also plays classic arcade games on The Cabinet

Watching Bad Movies #2: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Watching Bad Movies #2: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Reviewed by Darrell S. on Tuesday, March 31, 2015 Rating: 5

5 comments:

  1. When I saw the movie the most irritating thing for me was the fact that thet used silver to kill the Vamps yet Vamps aren't weak to silver. I wanted a random werewolf to eat someone so bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The entire film I kept saying to myself "Vampires aren't even weak to silver." I don't know why that upset me so much.

      Delete
    2. Its upsetting because the writing is just so bad.

      Delete
  2. Film sucked. Book was surprisingly good.

    I wasn't really shocked at the badness of this film. I expected comedy, and grindhouse exploitation. The title says it all.

    The main plot point though states Lincoln did not fight to free slaves, but to free us all from vampires. I can't even criticize that, as I believe Lincoln fighting to free slaves seems a bit revisionist to me anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I wasn't fond of this movie. When I first heard it was coming out I was like "That's something I'd watch. I want to watch that as much as I'd like 'John Cena vs. Dracula'." I did enjoy Abe Lincoln vs. Zombies, an Asylum film that bites off of this.

    Film-wise they did Sharknado, AE (bites off After Earth), Atlanic Rim (bites off Pacific Rim), and Avengers Grimm (Avengers and Once Upon A Time), Android Cop (RoboCop) and the other superbeast films on SyFy which tend to be very badly written and just bites off of what is popular at the moment.

    Then they do something consistent and fun like Z-Nation--which is like a faster paced Walking Dead. It's Saints Row/Dragon Quest/Monster Rancher/Fist of the North Star to TWD's Grand Theft Auto/Final Fantasy/Pokemon/DBZ.

    Great article, man.

    ReplyDelete

Powered by Blogger.