Everything You Need To Know For Wrestlemania 31

Today is Wrestlemania. Today is the day when your Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or anything else will be filled with posts from people you didn't even know were Wrestling fans. You might show up at a bar and be surprised to see wrestling playing on the TV and be confused. But that's okay. Your friend Darrell is here to help fill you on everything you need to know about Wrestlemania 31 so you don't feel left out or you can start watching wrestling with the biggest show of them all.

Let's start with the basics 

1. Wrestlemania 31 is the 31st Wrestlemania event and is taking place in San Francisco.
2. It's real, shhhhh let it happen. That's called kayfabe when you pretend.
3. Yes, Brock Lesnar is that UFC guy, but he was a wrestler first and last.
4. There's going to be celebrities, some grasping at any last hope of fame, some big fans.
5.  It's real, shhhhh, everyone over 12 knows, you just look like a turd raining on the parade.
6. Sports entertainer is the same as wrestler. The term isn't catching on anywhere but WWE.

People that aren't wrestlers

1. Connor The Crusher. He warmed our hearts. Watch this video. You understand now.
2. Lillian Garcia is the ring announcer, she's going to screw up all night. It'll be funny.
3. CM Punk, used to be a wrestler, quit 2 years ago, some people aren't over it yet.
4. Jerry Lawler, Booker T, JBL all commentators and former wrestlers.
5. Michael Cole, also a commentator, however he was a journalist who covered several presidential campaigns, Yugoslavian War, Siege of the Branch Davidian Compound, and The OKC Bombing. Good guy, they make him say stupid stuff.
6. Spanish Announce Table, it's going to get broken. 95% of the time it gets broken
7. Vince McMahon, owner of WWE once a visionary genius, now a senile old man.

The Matches

1. Fatal 4 Way Tag Team Championship Match:  4 different teams of 2 wrestle for the championship. The teams are Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, 2 guys who wrestle well but haven't done much recently and were thrown together. New Day, black guys who dance and just love to have fun. The Usos, they're Samoans who also dance and just love to have fun. Los Matadors, 2 Puerto Ricans pretending to Spanish Bull Fighters and have a pet bull who is actually a little person.
2. 2nd Annual ARMBAR: This is the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Andre died a long time ago but he was arguably the biggest star in wrestling. Not just because of physical size but because he was the first to branch out past wrestling into other avenues and was known world wide. A bunch of people will start in the ring together and throw each other over the top until one person remains and he gets a trophy.
3.  AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bella Twins: It's a tag team match. 2 teams of 2. This will be an interesting girl fight if Brie Bella doesn't mess it up. She's the worst person in this match. I'm not even joking. I honestly don't even know what the story is behind this match. Not a single guess. 
4. 6 Man Ladder Match: This match is for the Intercontinental Championship. The match features Daniel Bryan, the hippie, everyone loves this guy. Dolph Ziggler, The Rockstar, everyone loves this guy too. R-Truth, other black guy who just loves to have fun, most people love this guy. Stardust, who is pretending to be his big brother Goldust but he's Cody Rhodes too so expect those chants. Luke Harper, he used to be Bray Wyatt's groupie, now he's just around being angry. Dean Ambrose, hardcore wrestling fans who swallow every drop of wrestling they can get love him, everyone else goes "meh" or "what's so special about this guy" or "I'm confused." Bad News Barrett, he's the champ, he's British, he beats people up and delivers bad news. The 6 have been stealing the belt from each other for like a month, it's been pretty funny. It also features 4 of the best wrestlers in Bryan, Truth, Stardust, and Barrett. Also Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper basically made names for themselves doing stupidly dangerous shit with weapons like nail guns. So yeah, gonna be a crazy one. Watch The Hype Trailer
5. Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins: Marsha Marsha Marsha, it's always about Marsha. That's what Randy Orton has been screaming for a month. Seth Rollins has been named the next face of WWE. He's doing better than his old friend Dean Ambrose, not as good as his old friend Roman Reigns. This is going to be really good. Randy is the good guy here, also the crazy one. Seth is the bad guy and betrayer. Here's a good video to explain
6. Rusev vs John Cena: This is Rocky IV and V when the Russian killed Apollo Creed and Rocky had to avenge him. Apollo Creed is all the black wrestlers and Jack Swagger in this case. Here's a Rocky themed Video Promo
7. Bray Wyatt vs The Undertaker: Fort almost 30 years Undertaker has been the dominant force in WWE. A lot of talk about him being unimportant since his undefeated Wrestlemania streak is over, but he's a lot more than that streak. The streak wasn't even mentioned until it was 18. It just happened to be coincidence for 18 years straight. Undertaker is the last supernatural character standing from a time when Papa Shango was making opponents vomit, Kane was dragging them to Hell and other likes. Undertaker is the last of his kind, until Bray Wyatt came along. Bray Wyatt is probably the only supernatural type gimmick by anyone under 49. He's the new breed. This is a passing of the torch. It's not going to be a physical match because Undertaker is old and Bray Wyatt just isn't that good, but it will tell a story. Here's a video
8. Sting vs HHH: Sting is a legendary wrestler from the days of WCW. When WWE bought WCW he refused to come because of the way they treated Booker T. Instead Sting went to this young upstart company called TNA, and stayed there. HHH is a WWE guy and even married the bosses daughter. Now he's the underboss. Sting finally came to WWE and they're ignoring his time in TNA because you can't acknowledge the competition. It's basically a WCW/TNA vs WWE match. Sting is the same age as Undertaker and HHH has a history of injury so don't expect much. Once again, expect a good story in the ring to be told. Hype Video
9. Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns: The Main event for the WWE Championship. The fans are going to boo Roman Reigns out of the building because only the most hardcore of hardcore fans buy tickets to Wrestlemania. Roman Reigns is the handpicked golden boy who is supposed to be the new top guy in the company and they hate him when they loved him 6 months ago. Brock Lesnar finally decided to re-sign with WWE less than a week before Wrestlemania so they finally feel comfortable cheering for him. If he didn't resign he would have gotten bood out the arena again for not resigning. It happened to him before. There's more story behind the scenes than on TV for this one. It's just going to be a fight because Roman isn't that great and Lesnar just beats people up with closed fists these days. Ask John Cena about getting his head busted the hard way. Win lose or draw, Brock Lesnar is going to fuck up Roman Reigns. Eulogy Video

Other Things You Should Know

1.  If you start watching Wrestling after this, WWE will just hurt your feelings.
2. Alternatives: TNA and ROH. They're better at everything but young broke companies.
3. Why adults enjoy wrestling
4. Powerbomb Jutsu is said to be a great wrestling podcast out there in a recent review.

You can hear Darrell on the CP Time and Powerbomb Jutsu podcasts. He also plays classic arcade games on The Cabinet
Follow @OriginalKingD